Changes and Identity.

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She sat idle, holding her old diary.  It was her previous year’s diary.

The previous year…. Life had been so different….

She thought about how life had changed. How everyone had grown and matured even more. How some people left her forever while others took their places in her life. She thought about her parents, her friends, her family…  But most of all she thought about herself. How she had changed.

She knew for one that her life had never been perfect. It was horrible. Always horrible. The only constant in her life was “horrible”. There was one thing though, that had kept changing. Her emotions. The way she felt about her horrible life… She had changed a lot as her emotions had grown more and more weary. As she experienced more and more of “horrible”.

As she sat and compared her previous year’s diary and her this year’s diary, she noticed so many changes. Changes that had occurred within herself. She used to be fierce, before. Even the way she would write used to be fierce. It was so full of vibrant emotions. If it could have been depicted by colours, then red and orange would be perfect for the diary for they would show fiercenes. But when she thought about this year’s diary, it was blue. That’s all that came into her mind. All her fierceness had disappeared. All that remained was blue… It represented calm. This year, she was calm.

But it wasn’t because her life had gotten better. If anything, it had gotten worse. She knew that she had changed. That her fierceness had been replaced by calm. What she didn’t understand was what brought that sudden change? Why did she change so much? Was it because of depression or was it because she had grown up and matured a lot?

She also noticed how she had stopped mentioning a lot of her dreams in her current diary. She had completely given up on them. She never even bothered to mention those even once. It was surprising because those had been her biggest dreams. She saw how her previous year’s diary was filled with beautiful dreams and even hope that they would come true. But in her current diary, she barely saw any mention of her dreams. Instead most of her entries were about how she had realised alot of things. While her previous year’s diary had been filled with dreams, her current diary was filled with realities. And most realities were that dreams are just dreams and most of them never come true. Most realities were that life will never be “perfect”. Most of the realities were that her life is not a fairy tale and that happy ever afters don’t exist. Her current diary was mostly filled with how she had realised that her dreams wont come true and how she was giving up on a lot of her dreams and hopes.

Now as she sat and thought about all the changes, she felt like a loser. She felt like a girl who had fought her battles fiercely, from the very beginning. A girl who fought so bravely. A girl who really believed. A girl who believed that she can make a difference. That she can really bring a change. But then the girl started getting tired. She had fought so much and now her fate was winning. It was making her realise that no matter how hard she tries, her dreams will never come true. And she grew tired of realising that fact again and again. So she gave up.

Yes, she gave up. That’s how she felt. Like a brave soldier that lost all his battles. Her fierceness, her bravery, her vibrant emotions…all were gone. She felt like she surrendered to her merciless fate. And gradually, she grew so used to that “horrible”, that she became calm about it. She embraced it instead of whining about it. She felt like an exhausted fighter. She just needed a drink of water and some sleep. But life wouldn’t give her that. So she gave up on fighting.

But even as she felt like a loser, she also felt proud of herself. She felt like an experienced person who has seen the realities of this world. She felt proud that she at least tried to bring a change. Even though she had given up hope on a lot of beautiful things, she felt proud. She was better than others because none of them had fought the way she did.

She felt as though she was a vast ocean full of knowledge, advices, experience and beauty. Real beauty. But it was hidden. Concealed beneath the calm blue surface. She wanted to share her oceanic treasures with everyone that would really try to seek it.

She knew that she was full of experience. So what if she lost her own battles? She could at least help others fight their battles. She would give them the encouragement that she never got. She would lay out all her mistakes in front of them and tell them to fight better and not make the same terrible mistakes that she did. Although she had given up, she wouldn’t let others give up. If she could not be the one to bring a change, then she could at least help the person that would really bring a change.

As she though about all the changes, she came to realise who she really was. She realised her purpose. She was still a someone. Even though she had given up hope that she can change the world, she had yet not given up hope that the world can change. It was okay is she was not the one to change it…

Although she didn’t believe in a “perfect” tomorrow anymore, she did believe in a “better” tomorrow.

She felt proud as she realised that the purpose of her dreams was still alive. She hadn’t given up on them after all…

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