Stay Beautiful.

When I was five years old, Nana (my grandfather) used to take me to the park whenever he would visit us in our Naani’s house in Pakistan. And after a lot of playing around at that park, I would lie down on the grass with Nana beside me.

We both used to stare up at the sky and we would see flocks of birds soaring high up in the sky. I was too young to know what birds they were, but they were mesmerizing. They would literally just fly around in the sky in huge groups like they were dancing. Sometimes I used to think that they were spelling something out; Writing words in the sky that I was too illiterate to ever comprehend.

It used to hurt when Nana used to tell me to get up after a while because we would have to go home. I would want to lie there forever, just staring mesmerized at the beauty of freedom that those birds carried in their wings. As they let the freedom spread to the tip of their feathers and into the air and sky that they soared through…

That feeling was quite a beautiful one too. To just find pleasure in staring at freedom, lost in the idea of it.

Often we stare at things out of desire. Out of longing. We wish that it was ours. The pleasure then comes from having it; Not just from looking at it. And in such a case you stare at the thing, but not out of adoration. You stare at it merely out of jealousy. It’s rare to find things that are simply a pleasure to look at. It’s rare to find yourself at peace as you stare at that one thing; To gain pleasure in simply appreciating things the way they are; Without asking for anything in wishful jealousy.

Staring at those birds used to please me in that rare and beautiful way.

The sight of birds flying still astonishes me. It still gives me this satisfaction. It makes me feel like I already am free. Like I already am flying. And very happy.

I feel very happy inside when I feel just as free as those birds. ‘Cause I guess that their pleasure is contagious. The freedom that they fly around with, that their wings take them higher with, that their heart races with, is contagious. I feel like all their freedom is already mine. And it’s beautiful.

It’s beautiful.

That’s how I feel when I look at you. The pleasure…the beauty… I feel mesmerized by it. I feel like all your feelings are already mine. Like all your pleasure and happiness is already mine. Like all your freedom is already mine. Like I never need to work for it; I never need to desire it. ‘Cause I already have it. I feel complete. Your beauty, your freedom, your independence, it completes me in unimaginable ways. And it makes me feel so happy inside…

So happy…

And all of it just comes from looking at you. And looking away from you hurts me. It makes me feel like pieces from my heart are falling apart. It incompletes me to look away from you.

This is how complete you make me feel… Just to have you near me… Just to be able to look at you…

And now I know what love is. And now I know what pain is too. I know what longing is…

I haven’t seen you in almost a year. And I feel incomplete. I feel terribly incomplete. I long for completion. I long for the perfection of our feelings combined… Being incomplete after knowing what completion feels like is horrible. It hurts…

Have a beautiful day, love.

Happy birthday.

– Hiba // Stay Beautiful.

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2 thoughts on “Stay Beautiful.

  1. Hiba my darling, I felt your writing in my heart. Every honest word you just shared is heart-wrenching. Beautiful memories. It feels quite good sometimes you know, to stir into your ind to take out some memories to admire. Hope you are doing well in your life. Love always, Lala.

    1. I’m doing very well in fact 🙂
      And yeah this piece was quite personal. I wasn’t very sure on posting it, but then I thought why not? It doesn’t really give my secrets away…
      Half the time the things I write give me away and hence I never post them .-.

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