My heart….My innocent little heart…It Began to dream again…It tried to be strong and started hoping again….I don’t know what exactly it was hoping for…Maybe a story of Cinderella with a happy ending, or maybe the story of the elves and the shoemaker where the efforts of the elves are finally discovered and they’re given gifts that they deserved…
My heart was not asking for much, though…Only some respect. My heart was at the point where it decided that it was ready to forgive everyone; It had decided to take back all the pain that it had inflicted on anyone; It was ready to realise that calling someone a bunch of obscenities wouldn’t help it get what it deserved.
Just when it thought that things had finally begun to look up; Just when it thought that maybe….Just maybe, this time it wont fall apart; Just when it thought there is no reason to be sad……It broke. Just like that.
Just like that…Without a warning; Without a clue, it broke. Just when the previous scars were about to heal, they began to bleed….Instead of getting healed, they just got deeper.
All the hope…….It just got crushed. It turned into despair….Why….? Maybe, my heart forgot this tiny little fact: Dreams…are not meant for me.
It forgot again…just like before. Jusl like so many times in the past, it forgot that the words ‘hope’, ‘joy’, ‘happiness’…The words are just not in the dictionaries of it’s fate….My hearts fate…It only holds heartbreaks and depression.
And now…My heart is paying for falling into this trap of hope and dreams. It’s paying by aching; By breaking; By falling apart….By waiting for death; For it all to be over….But even death is not so merciful as to finish everything off…It just doesn’t come…It seems like an endles wait…So long; So painful…So full of agony…
It’s funny though….My heart is so broken, that it cannot even muster up the strength to finish everything off by itself…To just pick a blade and end everything….It’s fallen weak…So weak…
Though, I think it still has a bit strength to be sorry….To be sorry for hoping; For dreaming. It still has the strenght to take back all the pain it caused everybody else; It still has the strength to blame itself for hurting others unkowingly: It still has the strenght to say that if it caused anyone any kind of a pain, it didn’t mean to….The words just slipped. But, it didn’t mean the hurtful words…
It’s sorry…I’m sorry…..So sorry……..
It had started little by little. Brick by brick, it kept building inside me. ‘What?’ you ask?
Agony. Despair. Depression.
First was the stage when I just laughed it off. Then was the stage when I was annoyed but still tried to smile it away. But gradually, I began losing hope and sulked into depression. When I screamt into my pillow and questioned God ‘Why?’. I fell apart knowing that I will never have the answer to that heart wrenching question-Why. Knowing that there is no one to hear me out; No one to see the pain I’m carrying around in my chest; No one to help; No one to give a little word of comfort or advice.
And then came the stage when I slept. I slept through it all because the pain was numbed. I slept through it all because the tears refused to come. The screams turned to moans and then into a peaceful sleep. ‘Cause crying seemed hopeless. Nobody would listen…
And then came somebody. Somebody I didn’t know. Somebody who made me feel special and blessed.
That somebody told me this:
‘One doesn’t go to paradise for no reason in the hereafer. It’s the people who struggle; It’s the people who are patient. Those people who struggle are more special to God because throughout all of the pain and despair, they still thanked God’
What I understood by that is this: God gave me a chance to go to paradise by giving me problems. All I have to do is smile and say it’s okay. All I have to do is say Alhamdu Lillah ’cause someone out there has it worse.
Yes, I have problems right now. Yes, just smiling wont help me solve them. But in the end, the victory will be mine.
It’s quite inspiring for me to not share it. So here you go.
PS: never give up
Another day, another post.
And today is just a piece of advice for, myself first and foremost and to all those in a similar boat.
There’s somethings we just can’t escape. Some parts of our lives we are not in control of and we just simply cannot do anything about the issue. There’s no two ways about that – we’re helpless when it comes to certain things that hold us back. Right now, I feel pretty held back. Like I’m not achieving as much as I’m capable purely because I’m mentally drained by this helpless issue. And I’d spend hours thinking ‘if only it was like this’ and ‘if only this changed’, I’m dwelling in the possibilities of the past – stupid right? What’s the point of me clinging on to baseless thoughts of impossible hopes? Things aren’t going to change in the past but I still have tomorrow. I…
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Why doesn’t it have an effect on you? Why don’t you appreciate? When I make a mistake, it’s clear to you; though, when I try to make up for it, you don’t see…When I try to please you, you never notice. When I try to be good, you don’t care.
It would make a difference, if you would….It feels so pointless being good, when you don’t even notice it, let alone appreciate it. There seems to be no point in trying. But I keep clinging on to this tiny hope that one day, you might see, even though a part of me mocks me, saying ‘That person will never see. Give up, already. What are you exactly waiting for? For another insult to be thrown your way by that person?’
I don’t want to be insulted. It breaks me apart. I know I can be rude…But I’m just human. It’s me. I’m even willing to apologize, to change, to please, to do anything, just so you’ll notice. I’m trying…Really, I am. I want to be on top of the list of your most appreciated people. I crave the day when you will appreciate my hard work.
I try….And when I fall, I pick myself up…I keep walking with scraped knees, all the blisters still there…still aching from where I’ve been hurt…But I still keep trying…Hoping, that one day I will arrive to my destination in this desert which I’m starting to feel is just a like a dream…A mirage, probably.
But I think I can try…What have I got to lose?
And so, I’m trying…
Writer’s block… Ugh.
How frustrating it is to come all the way to the middle of the road and stop, forgetting how to walk ahead. When you were running with such speed and all of a sudden you halt.
Your mind keeps popping with ideas but none of them feel right…It’s like trying to figure out how to do your hair on a special occasion. Even though you know so many hairstyles, none of them feel perfect at that moment.
Then you just keep waiting…for something to come to your head; something that fits; something that’s perfect. But still nothing comes. You try to find ideas in your surroundings, but those too, fail to inspire you. Even though you know you shouldn’t force yourself, you just don’t want to give up. And even when you feel like giving up, you would still sit there for an hour or two, not giving up hope, trying to come up with something when you’re very much sure that it wont help.
So you give up. You try distracting yourself…But no. That incomplete piece of your work keeps coming right back up your mind, getting you even more frustrated.
Though, you don’t go back to it until the next day. And you still have no idea…You’re just sitting there wasting time. You try browsing through you pictures, shuffling through your drawers, trying to find anything that would give you some idea. It’s like while you’re stuck there in the middle of that road, you’re asking the surrounding plants and birds how to walk ahead.
And obviously, they hold no answer. And then you just give up out of frustration. ‘I tried everything! Why doesn’t anything come to me? Why haven’t I got any word in my head? How did I forget to walk? I tried looking around me for inspiration, too! Then why am I stuck?!’
And when you give up and move on, it comes to you months later while you’re lying in bed….You get an incredible idea months later! It’s like your mind is playing games with you. It is capable of coming up with great ideas, but it’s just too moody.
And that is what you call ‘writer’s block’. It means just one thing: frustration.
And then when you’re done, you sigh deeply and smile at your brain’s moodiness.
Your neighbour is hungry. He doesn’t have anything to eat. You daughter is crying; no one understands her. That boy on the street lost his parents. That girl you call a slut is insecure.
There are children out there who are dying of starvation. People who are illeterate; begging for help. Animals are going extinct. Those teens commited suicide.
Did you ever stop and think who is responsible for all of this?
You. Yes, you. Did you ever even greet your neighbour and ask him how he is? Did you ever try to understand the youth? Did you ever stroke the head of an orphan child? Did you ever bother to spend less than a dollar on a loaf of bread for that boy roaming on the streets in search of something to eat?
No. Why should you? They’re not your responsibilty, are they? BUT this world is yours, isn’t it?
Now, let me tell you this:
When you say ‘This is my family’, you take responsibilty of your family. You make sure that they have everything they need. You want them to be happy. Well, they’re a responsibility for you because they’re your family.
So, to explain it in a philosophical manner, whenever you claim that something is yours, you are taking responsibility of that thing.
So, when you say ‘This is my neighbourhood’, you’re actually taking responsibility of your neighbour. If your neighbour goes to bed with an empty stomach, it’s beacuse of you. You are the one who’s responsible.
When you say ‘This is my country’, you are again taking responsibility of your country. You gotta make sure that the people of your country have what they need. Obviously you cannot check for every single person in your country, but you could do as much as you can.
The same goes for when you claim ‘This is my world’. You’re taking responsibility of every single thing that exists in this world. Animals included.
And none of this is going to go to waste. It will benefit you in your future in many ways. When you create an environment where you’re actually taking responsibilty, your children will learn the same thing. You will be building your children in the best way.
And we have to realise that children, no matter whose, will be our future one day. We are actually depending on children for a better future. So stop critisizing children and teenagers. Give them attention and respect their needs of privacy.
I know that teens can be bunch of rebels and reckless people and what not. But they wont be able to lead you if you criticize them and make them feel worthless. You think a bunch of dull kids can lead you? Ofcourse, not. You got respect them, love them and give them the attention that they need. And when a person does ten good things for you, you got to ignore the two bad things he did. Same way to appreciate the hundred good thing that these kids will do in the future you, got to ignore the few bad things that they’re doing right now.
And believe me, none of this will go to waste.
What do I choose? There are so many fields out there. All that catch my attention. All that captivate me, forcing me to pick them. But I can’t pick all of them.
There are so many beautiful, yet unknown paths ahead of me…I want all of them, craving adventure. Bursting to know all about them. Asking everyone, which is the most beautiful and adventurous. Asking them which one is the most beneficial; which one is full of struggles, and which one is the one for me.
I’m a completely philosiphical being, hence attracted to philosophy. It understands me and I understand it. Completely different in its values and morals; most humane form of knowledge – Philosophy.
Pshychology. I’m all about understanding. being able to understand emotions, and being able to give terrific advices, I want pshychology.
Literature. It captivates me. I want to read things that let me witness what’s written. I want to read and read and read. And I want to write. I want to write such that a person has clear and precise image of what I want to show, with strokes of simple, yet beautiful words.
Photography. I want to capture every moment and make it a memory. Every beautiful scene, every beautiful friend and just anything and everything. I want to capture every beautiful scene that pops infront of me, so unexpected. I want to capture things that make me speechless because of sheer excellence; that which overwhelms me to the extent that I just don’t want to move on; when I wish the time would freeze and let me forever stare at the beauty infront of me; something so beautiful that I want to touch to make sure it’s actually real and right there. Those things I want to capture and remember forever.
Say, now which path do I pick? I want to take all, run and play on all the roads, discover the beauty of each, feel the excitement of all.
But right now I’m standing at the beginning of a path which is divided. Mesmerised by each’s difference and beauty, what do I choose?
What lives forever? Us? Money? Reputation?
No. None of that. It’s just memories that live forever. Even when we’re gone. We’re remembered for our deeds.
People only remember what we had done for them or for anyone else. They wont remember how much money you had in your account when you died. They’ll remember how you ruined somebody’s day, or how you made somebody’s day.
What you do for this world will make a difference. The impact you make on somebody’s life will make a difference. How you live your life will make a difference. Stop trying to please the world. The world will be pleased if you have a good reputation, and a nice amount of money…
But, when you die, will it benefit you in anyway? Or, even when you’re alive, would you enjoy life the way you want? No, you’ll be too busy trying to please the society! So, you’re not happy in life because you’re too busy, and you wont be happy after life because you won’t even be remembered. The people you tried to please, will find someone else with a greater reputation and a greater amount of money. The whole world does the same thing…try to please the people. They’re no different. But the people only remember those that stood out. Those that were not trying to please the society but to please themselves. Those that were not afraid to be themselves.
When you live life the way you wanted, you’ll enjoy it. And after you die, you’ll be remembered for living your life.
Long live the memories. Long live the differences. Long live the smiles you put on their face. Long live the inspirations you gave to somebody. Long live the lessons they learnt from you. Long live the fact that you were not afraid to be you.
I changed. My whole personality changed. My world, solar system, universe, my everything changed. Because of one person. Just one.
How she did it, I don’t know. And even she doesn’t realise what an impact she had on my life. I had never known that just talking to a random person out of boredom would change everything for me. My fears are gone. All my insecurities are gone. My shyness flew away somewhere, and most of all I started to trust my life a bit more.
I never expected life to bring me a true friend after being betrayed so many times, but I guess I was wrong.
It’s not like she’s the best and the most different person, she’s just normal…but yet to me she’s different. An aura hangs around her that says ‘trust me’. She can understand the complicated emotions that say ‘go away but yet stay’.
She will never know how much she means to me. How much I don’t want to lose her. We shared such crazy moments, that my heart aches thinking about them. All our inside jokes and random bursts of hysterics. All our silly fangirling moments, and discussions of our emotional pasts. All our secrets and everything that we could share.
It pains me to think, that soon we’ll change our paths and move on with life, having different goals in life.
Sometimes, I seriously put into consideration, our fake plans of running away together and live together. That will always be an unfulfilled dream…to stay with my best friend forever.
I don’t even know if she considers me that special. I don’t know if I changed her life the way she changed mine. All I know is that I want to be there for her when she needs me just as she had been there for me when I had needed her.
Before, I used to accuse God for not being there for me when I was betrayed so many times, but now I thank God for sending someone as close as an angel to get me through those betrayals.
I pray to God everyday, to keep you my friend forever and keep you as happy as you can be, ’cause someone like you doesn’t deserve to be depressed.
Dedicated to my one and only crazy, smart, idiotic, creative, random, all in one, best friend.
I love you, Jayvee!